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My husband and I christian louboutin wedding shoes have been together for 10 years. We have 4 kids, his and mine. I love his youngest one like she were mine, but the oldest one I just can't stand. He's favored her in the past, which irks me, and she'll always doing things that get on my nerves. She excludes me in a sneaky way. She arranged her wedding shower so I couldn't come, and whenever I offer to take care of her baby, she finds some excuse. It puts an unpleasant atmosphere when we get-together. Usually I have everyone over for Christmas Eve, but I'm really having trouble this year. It breaks my husband's heart that we don't get along and he tells me just to get over it, but I don't know how. How am I going to get through this dinner, and the next one, and the next one. I'm desperate. This woman is ruining my holidays. Desperate Step-Mother Dear Desperate Step-Mother, Being Step-Parenting Expert for a major website, the letters start flooding in right after Thanksgiving. It's so predictable, I created an Internet course on how to handle difficult people, focusing on family and step-family issues. You love them, now learn how to get along with them is the theme. Nothing is worse than these family squabbles. If there is one thing that is predictable in the mental health field, it's that psychologists' offices will fill up in December. What a pity. I'll grant you that step-parenting and family-blending is hard work, but when you think about it, you don't get to choose your own kids, or your own parents, or your own siblings, so my advice is pretty general. There may be issues about the "step" but if it isn't that, it will be something else. Accidents also escalate this time of the year. We're stressed with extra work to do. Preoccupied with these thoughts about how to get along with these people and still have a decent Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever. Our emotions cloud our thinking so we become more careless, both physically and emotionally. In fact the people who can't admit to themselves that they're stressed or upset are the most likely to have an accident, because that's the only way their Inner Wisdom can deal with it. So getting conscious is the first step. COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Then I would advise you take a course that teaches you the components of emotional intelligence. It demystifies the whole thing - why the tension, how to say things that keep you safe and don't escalate, how to let go, how to disarm the aggressive, and how to cope Christian louboutin clearance. Do it now and get prepared for the Christmas get-together. Family patterns are deeply entrenched and intensely emotional. They don't change overnight and if you keep taking the bait, they'll keep baiting the hook. You also need to see when your actions or reactions make YOU the "difficult person" and learn to do something different. When you change, your life changes. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF You live in a body, and your body (brain) generates emotions. Too much sugar and alcohol? You're set up to spin out. It's SAD (seasonal affective disorder) season, so depression-like lethargy contributes. You're either hyper, or would like to hibernate. Keep our routine, eat right, get your sleep and exercise. Take an immune system supplement, because "5 minutes of anger suppresses your immune system for up to 6 hours," and "mad" isn't the only emotion that does that, or that you're going to be feeling - more intensely than usual. With a healthy body, you're more able to adjust your attitude, and that's the next step. It's an emotional time of year for everyone, and people aren't at their best. People who are vulnerable to begin with, really take a dive. Any issue that's been percolating is likely to boil over, unless you are aware. Emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. Know yourself, and what sets you off. Then avoid it. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS Neutral expectations are best. If you are fantasizing about a perfect family get-together, you are setting yourself up for depression. It's the law of emotions - what goes up, must come down. If you demand perfection or that things go your way or you won't be happy, you put an energy out that almost guarantees the opposite of what you want. ADMIT HOW YOU FEEL, TO YOURSELF. You don't need to share this with people involved; vent with a coach or someone objective. I don't know about other coaches, but I plan my own Christmas way ahead to block off coaching time in December and January. (After-Christmas blues is about as bad.) Admit you don't like this woman and she gets on your nerves. If you fight it, you give it energy Christian louboutin classic collection. Admit at the same time though, that how you handle this is a choice. You can let the fact that you have to be with someone you don't like ruin your get-together, or you can accept that you'd rather it were otherwise, but it isn't, so you're going to find a way to enjoy yourself, or just get through it and not add your misery, temper, volatility, etc. to the mix. I'm sure your husband would appreciate if you acted like everything was fine. You may not be able to "get over it" inside, but if you act like you have, you'd be surprised what will happen. A coach can give you specific tips on what to say and not say, how to answer, how to defuse, and how to stay out of trouble. When you see how you are contributing to the situation, and what you can do differently, you'll be relieved. That's what most people tell me who learn how to handle themselves in situations like this. "I was relieved. It was like a boulder was lifted off my shoulders." The thing is, nobody every taught us this stuff. BE FLEXIBLE, CHANGE, and CREATE Lastly, here's a novel idea. Flexiblity and creativity are two of the components of emotional intelligence. It's nice to have traditions; they make us feel secure, and frame our lives with memories. However, they can become a prison. I'm thinking of my friend who is terribly upset right now because she can't make fruitcake this year. I won't go in to why, but in her reality, this is a major trauma. As an observer, I just can't get in to it. I have never made fruitcake, and I have survived many years. It may be that you're holding on to something like that. If it's really awful, just say no. Go on a cruise with your husband over Christmas. Yes, the world would still turn. If that's too radical, start with something smaller, but understand that you can change a tradition at any time. When they're changed for us, with the death of a parent, for instance, we manage to create something new. It's more pleasant when you control the change. Learning to let go, managing your emotions and those of others, handling difficult people and stressful times, and managing change are part of emotional intelligence, one of the best things you can put under the Christmas tree.

With typical marketing hyperbole, Mikel Jollett's article, "The Miracle of Ice," about a new surgical technique involving induced hypothermia, is summed, presumably by the editor, with "the only catch: it kills Christian louboutin classic collection you before it saves you." This could be applied to most of the things in our lives that nearly 'kill' us; the slings and arrows of fortune we are all heir to. They either kill us, or we have a new life. But I digress. Yes, there is a surgeon having great success using induced-hypothermia when operating on the brains of stroke victims. This is the story of a new-OLD procedure that involves cooling the body, but this is for hours, not minutes; and a surgeon gutsy enough to use his common sense and go with something that works. I'm not mentioning his name for a reason. He's the SUNG hero, but there's an UNsung hero in this story. 20 years ago, induced hypothermia was used only as a last resort, when there was nothing to lose, like surgery on a stopped heart. The body would be chilled by a combination of techniques, to 18 degrees C (64 F); scary, as there are potentially lethal side-effects such as frostbite, shock, pneumonia, and death. How did we discover the use of this procedure? It was thanks to Raul Busto, a research assistant at the University of Miami, way back in 1987. The wonder of this story is that Jollett found this piece of information when researching the article, and thought to include it. Raul didn't get to write an article in the prestigious JAMA about his discovery. He didn't get invited to address the national convention of brain surgeons. He didn't get promoted to head of the department or have a chair named for him at a medical center. I don't know the facts, but he probably didn't even get a raise or bonus. Busto, observant guy that he was, simply noticed that even when blood flow was cut off to a section of the brain in certain rats, they didn't have a stroke, and this in rats whose body temps were only a few degrees below normal. Raul then had the presence of mind to connect the dots on what he observed. The wonder is that his presumably small voice was heard. There are people who lack the credentials, by choice, by chance or by lack of opportunity, who are making tremendous contributions to our lives all the time. The diagnosis by the grandmother down the street, the perceptive comment of the nail technician, a caring neighbor or teacher who notices something, the mechanic tinkering in his garage or the nascent genius in the computer or medical lab. Examples? I hear many from clients. Bill and Mary, with combined IQs of 300, were told by their son's teacher that he needed glasses. When he got them, the child exclaimed, "There are leaves on trees! Look, I can see trash in people's yard." Susan got her son into drug rehab just in time because her colleague at work met the teenager and suggested to Susan that those red eyes and that runny nose weren't "allergies." Liquid paper was invented by some secretary who had a brain and was able to think outside the box. The glue on post-it notes was a lab failure for a permanent glue, but the researcher had common sense, and thought a temporary bond might have an application. (Could we live without our post-it notes?) Martha found out her baby had a tumor because when her mother was changing the baby's diapers, she noticed what the younger mother couldn't differentiate. And my client in Venezuela gave me the key to another client I couldn't fathom. "They're mountain people," she said. "You know." I did not. But in Venezuela one knows the difference between those who live in the mountains, those who live in the plains, and those who live by the sea. It's a shame that we have a system set up where only the PhDs and MDs get the recognition - and are granted the veracity. I coach and consult in emotional intelligence (which includes common sense), and I often find in offices the quiet suggestions of the smaller players have been ignored and are quite valuable. Why should a lawyer listen to his secretary when she says they're getting milked by their web designer? No credentials. Why should the CEO listen to the accounting clerk who predicts the trend toward a product they could easily produce? Not his field. Why should the 'suits' in Miami listen to a coach who says that cruise passengers would attend lectures on self-help, astrology or engineering? Because everyone in Miami "knows" that all ALL cruise passengers want is to drink and gamble.. except for the coach who cruises a lot and listens to the actual guests - - wondering about the ships engines, the stars they see in the romantic night sky over the ocean, and, yes, Virginia they do not leave their problems at home when they cruise, they come right along with them, sometimes in person, sometimes in their thoughts and hearts. The first thing I did when I was sent to a troubled apartment complex, back in my property management days, was to interview the people who actually worked on the property daily, so were forced to deal in real life with the problems at hand. The leasing agent, the maintenance man, even the mailman could tell me the simple truth, from their emotional intelligence, and observations, that told me what the problems AND THE SOLUTIONS were Christian louboutin clearance. They made me look good. I had the credentials, but thank you Mildred Mannigan for greeting me at the door of Concord Square Apartments with, "If they would simply ____, this apt christian louboutin wedding shoes. complex would be full tomorrow. Will you please TELL someone." If you're the 'they' -- listen. All sing the unsung hero. Wherever you are, Raul Busto, thank you. Thank you for all the lives that will be saved because of you. And thanks to the "suit" that listened to Raul when he told what he knew.

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Schedule of Party "Events" * Plan a time for mingling, with drinks and hors d'oeuvres before a dinner - that's how people "warm up" * If you're having honorary speeches or some such (20 minutes is plenty of time to allot for this), allow time afterwards, because the conversation will be primed * Provide background music according to the tone of your event - rock band, romantic piano, harp, etc. Now coordinate what you've decided on so far: time, place, theme and cost. Here are some adjustments you can make: * Hard liquor, mixed drinks are expensive. If you're having lots of people, switch to beer and wine, or make an alcoholic punch. * To cut costs, try something thematic like a bottle of Valentine wine, that is, from the Valentine Vineyards, in Southern Mendocino County (http://www.valentinevineyards.com/oh.html ) - The labels on the bottle are cool for a Valentine's Party! You can buy party trays at Sam's or at Local Fancy Catering Boutique or you make them. Making them is probably going to cost more than Sam's, but it has it's virtues, Caterers can be very pricey, but then there's no work for you to do. Ordering a decorated cake is a good way to handle dessert for a crowd. It brings everyone around, is festive, and easy to manage. Music can be live (more expensive) or your radio or CDs (no cost). Will you want a maid? The day before to clean? The day of the party to serve and clean up? Both? (Be sure and check out her uniform. You could provide a cute Valentine's apron for her.) Need a bartender? Also check on his uniform. You don't want any surprises. Arrange for photography - stills, candids, videos, a professional photographer? Decorations - floral arrangements are the most expensive, but they can sure dress up a table. You can go to a party store and look around according to your theme, if you're going with paper goods. If you have your own china, crystal, etc. start polishing them up. If you want to purchase permanent tableware, visit a store like Tuesday Morning and see what they have. (Tip: Shop right after holidays, buy things on sale, and be ready for the next year.) Elegant Doesn't Have to be More Expensive People instinctively cut back when the goods are pricey, i.e., if you serve Beluga Prime from Caviarteria in New York (price $750/lb.), your guests won't be expecting to make a meal of it, and who can eat more than a dab of caviar anyway? If you're providing Krug Clos du Menil from Sherry-Lehmann in New York ($1,400 a case), no one's going to be chugalugging it. Tell them it's Kobe beef (up to $500/lb.) and they'll be too horrified to ask for seconds. Make Julia's Child classic chocolate cake, all of 1" high, and one small sliver suffices even the piggiest eater. It's richer even than a Starbuck's brownie. These things titillate your senses other than raw hunger and so are very satisfying in another sort of way. Have a classic piano in the background, and people naturally move into refined slow-motion. However, if you've got bins of queso dip and tortilla chips, everyone will have that no-holds-barred approach to the buffet table. If JC and the Sunshine Band are cranking it out, well all impulses are on "go"! Brunches are Quite Economical! Call those pancakes crepes - no, really, it's a separate recipe and divine, serve a light fruit punch or Bloody Mary's, some bacon and sausage, a light salad. won't cost much at all. I recommend Julia Child's crepe recipe, and definitely the flaming orange crepes. They nearly put your tongue to sleep, and again, these things are so "rich," no one wants more than a taste. A little trick thrifty hostesses learn! Entertainment Live entertainment adds a really special note to a home party. Local talent is probably available that isn't expensive. Check with universities, colleges, high schools, and churches - the choral directors, the music or dance department. 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If it's in your home, always have something hot to serve that's in the oven as the guests arrive and smells divine. Tip: Always use candlelight if you can. It hides a multitude of "sins," i.e., dust bunnies and carpet stains, and sets a gentle ambience. If you want a good turnout, do your PR work. Talk up the party with friends as you see them, or give them a call to see if they got their invitation. Drop a hint about the Clos du Menil, or the Big Band.

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